Thursday, July 16, 2015

Craving Being Alone

Jo Murphey
The Murphey Saga
Wednesday, July 15, 2015

This week has been really rough not only because my husband is actively dying. I'm SURROUNDED!

I've rarely had any alone time with just me and my husband. A revolving door has replaced my front door and the line of people trying to get in to be of help is growing larger by the hour. You've got to remember I'm basically a self sufficient person used to getting it done. I should be grateful.

Even saying that, I'm not opposed to help when needed. BUT STILL... family has been staying and feels I should not be left alone with my husband. They don't want me to be alone in case he dies as if I'd drop off the deep end when he dies and I can't handle it. They are hovering. A really morbid picture of buzzards circling the dying pops into my mind as I type this. But that is UNKIND. I know they are really doing it out of love and concern. They are also grieving.

My two fairly local (within 100 mile radius) daughters are taking shifts so I never am more than a couple hours alone with my beloved. Someone else is always here. I'm just complaining, I know I should be grateful for their attentiveness. I guess I've got to complain about something because this is a helpless situation and nobody can really do anything and they feel helpless too.

My beloved has been in a coma since yesterday. He speaks aloud in his state. I hear him talking to his mother. I am comforted by this because she is waiting for him. The death rattle type breathing and for the last twelve hours, the smell of death fills my nostrils. All I want to do is curl up on the bed with him as we did in happier times.

What is he waiting on? Nobody at hospice can understand, but my daughters and I know. He's waiting on his baby girl. She'll be home with our newest grandson in about three hours. I expect him to pass on quietly after that.

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1 comment:

  1. "It's ok, Mom, it's time," my older sister said to my mother after a 3-month period of dying. The next week, after all of us holding our breath for so long, my mother departed, with me asleep in the next room, a nurse with her.

    During those three months, I spent every other week caring for my mother, traveling the 7-hour drive every weekend to get there/go home to my husband and kids. I was there to "help" my father, and it never occurred to me that he would appreciate solitude. He is an introvert so although he always asked me to return the week after next, he probably would have. I was so distracted by my selflessness and my mother's impending death that I didn't think of his needs at all.