Part I

Thursday 27th July 2023 started with a splitting headache, around 4 am in the morning. It was unusual for me, not only the fact I had a headache but the burning intensity of it, right behind the eyes. It was like a white heat, super intense.

I should have realised something was wrong, but then I wasn’t great at reading messages my body was trying to tell me. For example, I shouldn’t have ignored the fact that I had known for at least a couple of years that I had high blood pressure, was type 2 diabetic and approximately 30 kg overweight - yet done nothing about it. I was your typical stubborn 60 year old male. Naively, arrogantly in fact, I believed that health problems happened to other people, not me.

How wrong I was.

I got up at my usual time a couple of hours later, I hadn’t slept and the headache was still burning with the same intensity as before.

I made some tea (I am English, after all) and drank plenty of water. I checked my emails and social media accounts and tried to work off the headache.

Nope, the headache was still there. From this point on, my memory fades, intermittent at best. I can recall deciding to go out for a walk - some fresh air might just do the job - I shaved, got dressed and went out for a walk.

How long I walked for and where I walked to I can’t recall. I do recall walking back towards home. Not only was the headache worse, I was now having difficulty seeing straight. My vision was like a badly tuned TV station (for those old enough to remember such things). I couldn’t judge distances, I was genuinely scared crossing a relatively minor road - my ability to judge the speed and distance cars where from me was deteriorating rapidly.

My feet no longer belonged to me. I do recall walking as if drunk, not in a straight line, staggering, swaying, trying to grab a railing and then nothing.

How long I was on the pavement for I have no idea. I do know that a lady and her daughter out walking their dogs, found me, not really conscious, having a fit. I’d also lost control of my bladder (I found out later).

Those kind people phoned for an ambulance and stayed with me - they were the first of a number of people who in the next ten days or so, saved my life. 

I do recall temporarily waking in the ambulance, hopelessly confused, and with a new pain - in the fall I managed to break my shoulder. My medical report says I was agitated although I have no real recollection.

My admission into the ACU unit and what happened to me for a few hours afterwards I have absolutely no memory of. I vaguely recall being in a bed at one point but everything else is a blur.

How long before my family discovered my plight I’m not sure. At some time during the day they arrived to see me, again I have no memory of that.

Without doubt the trauma I was going through, and the subsequent trauma a few days later were much worse for my family than they were for me.

 I’ve met numerous stroke survivors in the last two years and I am always amazed how much detail they can recall of their treatment upon reaching hospital or their specialised stroke unit. Whatever happened to me, whatever treatment I received I have no recollection. Selfishly I consider that to be a blessing, although I acknowledge fully the trauma my family went through.

From the hospital notes I’d had a moderately severe stroke, predominantly impacting the back of my brain.

I must have recovered reasonably quickly, for within days I was home - as I say I have no memory of this time, nor do I recall first arriving back home. 

Looking back, I somehow convinced my family I was sufficiently well to be left at home alone a few days later. Again I have no recollection of this and no one was at fault for allowing me to be home alone just seven days after my first stroke.

I Whatsapped my daughter around 9am to tell her I was fine. No-one heard from me for many hours later. I’m sorry there are gaps in my story but having been uncontactable for many hours, the emergency services eventually broke down my front door sometime between 8 and 9 in the evening, to find me unconscious and in a pretty bad way on the floor. Apparently I was blue and my breathing was very shallow.  I had had another much more significant stroke.

Those first responders saved my life. I don’t know who they are, but I owe them, the ICU staff and the stroke specialists who attended me that evening so much. Their dedication, skill and determination to pull me through means I’m here two years later - so it’s the most heartfelt thank you to them all. My family also - my poor daughter arrived just as the first responders had broken the door down.

If what happened to me the first time around is a blur then the second has even fewer memories. To this day, I have virtually no recollection of the events of the next few days. 

The impact of my strokes were cognitive. I was fortunate not to have any obvious physical consequences. Fatigue, and feeling generally lousy for sure, but my body was functioning. I could walk unaided albeit slowly and my ability to use my hands seemed unimpaired. I was weak, disorientated and had one arm in a sling due to the shoulder injury, but given the trauma my brain had suffered I was extremely fortunate.

Cognitively however, was something else. I’ve already referred to my loss of memory, but I was also suffering from a lack of comprehension, my speech was not quite as it should be, halting, unclear with a tendency not to use the right words and not in the right order!

I do recall looking at my phone for the first time. I wanted to send a message to my family, I wanted to prove to those closest to me I was recovering. I had no idea how to use it. I can clearly remember staring at it and not knowing how to operate it. Not a single feature made sense.

At some point I managed to open Whatsapp and send my daughter a message. It was supposed to read “Hi sweetheart, feeling a bit better, love you xx”. It was actually a string of random letters, numbers and odd bits of punctuation - a bit like one of those randomly generated passwords offered when you set up an online account.